Are you curious about learning to enhance your ability to delude and overwhelm all those disgusting, altruistic proponents of the pro-life movement in an argument?

By following these three rules correctly, you can be sure to triumph over the next radical, right-wing dullard foolish enough to square off with your newly established, pro-choice, rhetoric repertoire.

Rule #1: Deny biology.

The first tool you’re going to want to add to your double-dealing toolbox of chicanery is the art of denying biological facts.

Every citizen in America who has at least the cognitive capacity of Burn After Reading’s Chad Feldheimer is able to grasp a rudimentary understanding of reproductive biology.

In other words, if someone is 9 or older, they’re likely aware of the biological composition of a human zygote.

Biology is simply not going to help you in this argument.

So, you’re going to have to be crafty about it. Don’t say it outright that you don’t believe in the facts of biological discoveries.

Your pro-life opponent is going to want to allude to the “fact” that the random cluster of cells is human. Prevent them from doing this at all costs. If they’re unyielding, then you’re going to want to use some duplicity once they begin coursing down that path.

For instance, instead of the word “fetus”, a word the pro-lifers love to pound out like a drumbeat, use the word “parasite”.

Biology will tell you a parasite is “an organism that lives on or in a host organism and gets its food from or at the expense of its host.” However, your adversary will argue the parameters defining a parasite are that it must be of a different species. Nevertheless, be adamant about sticking to your definition. In doing so, you may just wear them out by barraging their patience.

If this fails, I recommend keeping it sophisticated by using shifty euphemisms when speaking about the unborn.

Speaking of euphemisms, here’s an exceptional one to add to your political jargon.

Rule #2: Use the word “viable”.

This word is your rhetoric bread and butter when debating against the sanctimonious, pro-life milksops.

The heroes over at Planned Parenthood are more Janus-faced than the supervillain Loki himself, and they’ve managed to reserve an ambiguous, legal term to utilize when speaking about these trivial parasites.

According to the Herculean Planned Parenthood, viability means “being capable of sustained survival outside the woman’s body with or without artificial aid.”

As we know, killing a human is murder. However, the termination of something that isn’t viable” is simply practicing a human right, handed to us by the fallacious Supreme Court.

Since the Supreme Court ruling of Roe v. Wade, it is the interpretation of viability that holds the verdict of the legality of abortion. Therefore, it is your mandate to treasure this word like pure gold.

Remember, the goal of this debate is for you to dehumanize the unborn and justify the convenient termination of the unplanned. Never use the word “fetus” or “zygote” or “human”.

Always use the word viable or nonviable whenever viable.

By utilizing this word correctly, you will be able to quickly turn any debate for human life into a debate for human rights, thus refashioning your adversary’s attempt at preserving human life into an assault on women’s rights. Nobody is fond of a bigot.

And this brings me to my next point.

Wow, the segues are falling right into place today.

Rule #3: Substitute the term “human life” with “reproductive rights”.

Don’t be foolish enough to believe that the cunningly devised euphemism of pro-choice is enough to coax the pro-lifers into believing that we’re not anti-life.

We use the label, pro-choice, because we’re resolute about abstaining from the debate for human life.

This isn’t about human life. It’s about human rights, and women have the right to choose.

Therefore, when utilizing this rule, you must remember to handle it with finesse. Show some passion.

Assuming you’ve already attempted Rules #1 and #2, turn the tides at this point in the argument by cooking up some red hot fervor.

Make the debate personal.

Bring up the fact that you’re related to a single mother, and that she would’ve been better off without that nagging inconvenience.

If you don’t know any single mothers, then just get creative with it. Bring up the fact that less than 1% of abortions are the byproduct of rape and incest, and that those anomalies warrant the right for all women to terminate any unplanned pregnancy due to raw convenience.

Women have reproductive rights. If they don’t want to share their body with an unviable parasite, then they have the right to terminate it.

See what I did there? I just used all three rules in a brief comment. Like I said, get creative.

So, ensure to publicly lambaste the next pretentious wrangler seeking to subvert the freedom a woman has over her body.

Also, this rule is especially potent when used against men. In fact, when debating men, I recommend jumping straight to this rule. By arguing over reproductive rights, you shrink their credibility by turning them into a sexist and an oppressor.

Remember, “iron sharpens iron” and Planned Parenthood murders babies. If we keep up our fight against the bigoted, misogynist, right-wing, pro-life radicals, then we can be confident in being one step closer to the complete dehumanization and degeneration of racist, sexist America.

Keep up the fight, you brave warriors!

inspired by C.S. Lewis’ screwtape letters.

One thought on “How to Destroy Any Pro-Life Argument

  1. Bravo, Drew! Like Lewis in The Screwtape Letters, you drew out several good points through your satire. Bonus points for making me laugh out loud at certain points. Ex: “In doing so, you may just wear them out by barraging their patience.”

    Liked by 1 person

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