If anyone deserves citizenship, it’s black flies. That way we can convict them for their egregious crime-streak. These criminals are currently gallivanting around the Midwest, wreaking havoc on the innocent, and nobody is doing anything about it. So, I will be the first to say it: these flesh-eating parasites need to be behind bars.

What are black flies you ask?

Black flies are known around some parts as “buffalo gnats” or “turkey gnats”, but around here we simply to refer to them by a random epithet.

You can identify them by their atomic size and astronomical ferocity. They’re black, round, have broad wings, and a mean bite. They’re also known to have a mob mentality, so expect more than one invading your company.

Are they dangerous?

I’d be displeased to discover a warrant out for my arrest for inducing panic, so no, they’re not generally understood to be dangerous.

However, as I’ve mentioned, they do bite. Their primary food source is fleshy humans, and they’re willing to fly 10 miles to find you. The chances of disease transmittal are negligible, but the chances of painfully nagging, itching welts are high.

Where do they live?

Black flies roam the Midwest the way Louise Fletcher from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest treads the halls of the mental hospital; they think they run this place.

Spring is the season where you will normally find the most black flies. Spring carries the heaviest rainfall, and it forces the flies out of the cracks in the ground and into the holes in your head. This spring and early summer have blessed us with plentiful rain, so you can be sure to expect an abundance of these little guys.

What you can do about it.

It’s an understatement to call black flies a nuisance, and you’re going to want to ward them off as best as possible. Long sleeves would do the trick, but these kamikazes have a proclivity to aim for the neck and ears.

From my experience, I’ve used OFF!, and it works like a broken whistle. The cat is out of the bag; black flies don’t fall for most name-brand bug sprays.

The secret? Black flies detest lemon eucalyptus. It’s a cheap and simple remedy. You can make it yourself with lemon eucalyptus oil, some vanilla extract and witch hazel, or… you can just buy it for about $5 from Wally-World. You’ll find a 4 oz. bottle of REPEL at your nearest Wal-mart Garden Center.

One thought on “There Is a Flying, Black Crisis.

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